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Sunday 25 September 2011

Exposed: top secret letters exchanged before A Raja resigned


Lay’s mistakenly fills packets of flavored air with potato chips


Mumbai. Lay’s, the premium producers of packaged flavored air, faced a major crisis today when a production glitch resulted in far more potato chips being put into every pack of air than the “normal” level. Potato chips normally fill around 5% of the packet volume and they are helpful in adding flavor to “packaged air”, which is the flagship product of the company.
The production glitch caused this level to go up to 75%, sending the top management of the company in a tizzy. Before the Quality Control supervisor could detect it, hundreds of thousands of packaged air with “Magic Masala” flavor were already in the market and the news about the production glitch spread like wildfire.
“It was unbelievable!” 15-year-old Ravish Kumar exclaimed as he munched a handful of chips, “I bought the packet, slipped it in my school bag, and waited for my friend to go away before opening it, so that I don’t have to share those 12 chips with him. When I opened the packet I saw that it was full of potato chips! I immediately went back to the shop and bought five packets more, yes, can you believe it? Packets full of chips!”
Packet full of potato chips
People couldn’t believe their eyes when dozens of potato chips came falling out as soon as they opened the bulging packets
Ravish claimed that it was the first time when he tried putting more than two wafers in his mouth in one go.
“I would normally put one at a time as I wanted to enjoy each one of those 12 valuable chips. But sometimes I’d put in two, as no one can eat just one. But boy, the human mouth is capable of taking in at least 12 chips in one go, see!” said Ravish as he enthusiastically crushed a bunch of 12 chips with his 32 teeth.
Hundreds others like Ravish too found out about the high amount of chips level in Lay’s flavored air packets and soon every general store was besieged by hordes of customers and chips enthusiasts, forcing police to resort to a mild lathicharge to disperse the crowd.
“Well, yeah, we always knew that they were packets of flavored air, but we bought them for those little chips,” claimed Ankit, a customer with lathi bruises on his left foot and 20 units of “defective” flavored air packets in his hands, “You know, it’s like some people buying eggs only for the egg white.”
Realizing that a high level of chips in a packet meant for flavored air could have adverse impact on consumers’ health, Lay’s has decided to recall all the defective packets of flavored air. The company has also issued a public apology.
“It has always been our goal to provide people with the finest flavored air that is becoming rare due to urban pollution. This is an aberration and we promise that such mistakes will not be repeated again,” Kareena, Public Relations Officer (PRO) of Lay’s told Faking News.
Sources suggest that the production glitch happened when an employee accidentally changed the “Chips in Packet” (CIP) setting from “Commercially Available” to “For Advertisement Only”.
Lay’s PRO dismissed rumors that the top management had beaten up the erring employee because of whom Lay’s profit margins risked being wafer-thin.
“The official position of the company is that we treat our employees well. That particular employee fell down a flight of stairs after he had slipped off on a banana peel in the section where we are coming up with a banana flavored air,” Kareena clarified the “truth” in a press statement.
“There has been a mistake and the company will learn from it, No one will be Lay’d off! We do not give up so easily when the chips are down!” she added.

Chudails vote India TV as the Best News Channel of 2000’s


Noida. A consortium of supernatural creatures has voted Indian news channel India TV as the best news channel of the last decade. The winner was chosen after thousands of bhoot (ghosts), pishaach (devils), djinn (genies), him-maanav(yetis), taantrik (black-magicians), chudail (vamps), daayan (witches), etc. took part in an occult poll conducted by Faking News. Only Hindi news channels were selected for voting by the consortium in the first round.
“Watching India TV is awesomeness.” said the paataal ka bauna (the dwarf from the underground) as he expressed his deepest delight after the results of the poll were announced, where India TV grossed more than three-fourth of the total valid votes polled. Vampires and other members of the consortium belonging to the Telangana region didn’t participate in the poll to register their protest for the formation of a separate state.
“I am pretty sure our bhoot brethrens from Telangana would have voted no differently.” said the kapde churane wala bhoot (the ghost who stole your clothes), expressing confidence that the results would have been no different either ways. “There is a near unanimity among all of us on the issue of India TV. We all love when they break news.” added the cloth-stealing ghost.
India TV at work
One of the thousands of news stories of India TV that Chudails love to watch again and again
When asked why these allegedly ghoulish creatures loved India TV so much, all the ghosts and witches started laughing devilishly. They laughed continuously for around two hours, pausing thirteen times in between to take commercial breaks, before their leader, the pyaaz maangne wali chudail (the onion loving witch) spoke up.
“We used to love Ramsay Brothers, but those guys stopped producing quality movies and moved to television with Zee Horror Show. But even that show stopped when the world moved into 21st century. Our TRPs were falling like crazy. And then, the 9/11 attacks happened; the world got besotted with terrorists thereafter. We were like, what-the-fuck, nobody seemed to be terrified of us anymore. Some of the good people like David Icke tried to blame 9/11 on people like us, but no one took them seriously. We were so depressed.” said the onion loving witch, as other members of the consortium nodded in agreement.
The members surprisingly revealed that they were not so upbeat when Rajat Sharma launched the channel in 2004. They thought it was just another news channel for human beings. But their interest level went up when they saw Shakti Kapoor molesting a girl on India TV. Excited at the scenes, the members decided to become patrons of India TV.
“Our loyalty paid off. Soon we were back in news and business.” said the witch, grinning and smiling like SPS Rathore. The members vehemently denied that they had any stake in India TV. “We are poor people; we can’t invest or buy stakes in your modern businesses. But if we had money, we surely would have invested in India TV.” admitted the witch.
All the witches, ghosts, vampires, black-magicians, devils, etc. have wished all the best to India TV for the new year and the new decade.

People with less than 32 friends on Facebook or Twitter identified as “socially poor”


New Delhi. After Planning Commission’s benchmarks for identifying poor people based on economic criteria drew flak, the government has come up with new set up benchmarks that will identify poor people based on “social” criteria. The government has claimed that critics should hold their horses for now, as the definition of “socially poor” would include those who were left out by Planning Commission as being “economically poor” and help those in need.
“It’s same as ‘economic backwardness’ versus ‘social backwardness’; a mixture of both goes a long way in making policies that are hallmark of a welfare state,” Mukul Wasnik, Minister for Social Justice & Empowerment told Faking News.
However, for the first time in the history of independent India, government has used “social” in a context that doesn’t include considerations exclusively based on one’s caste, religion, tribe, or other ethnic identities. Instead, it’s actually “social” i.e. the way a person’s relationships are made with the rest of the society.
Munaf Patel and Bbby Darling
While Munaf Patel comes from a modest family background, he could be declared poor due to his social relationships.
“We are willing to consider even online relationships, as that’s where the word ‘social’ is mostly used these days,” Mr. Wasnik said.
The union minister revealed that under the new set of benchmarks, a person with less than 32 friends on Facebook will be considered for being classified as “socially poor” if each one of his or her friends is having more than 32 friends.
Similarly, someone who is following more than 1000 accounts on Twitter but having less than 32 followers even after publishing at least 5000 public tweets will be considered socially poor.
“Poor status on social networking sites will increase the chances of a person to get the BPL (Below Poverty Line) card, but the final decision will be taken based on his or her status in the real world,” Mr. Wasnik clarified.
The criteria for being socially poor in the real world are quite complex but mostly revolves around quantity and quality of one’s relationships and “contacts”.
For example, a person, who fails to get even a single person to become his or her guarantor for opening a bank account, will be classified as “socially poor”, as it proves utter lack of “quantity” in relationships and contacts in urban India.
“This should cover all those people who are spending more than 32 rupees a day but are still poor for all practical purposes,” the union minister claimed.
When pointed out by Faking News that even Suresh Kalmadi could meet the same fate if he tried to open a new bank account today, the minister refused to comment if Kalmadi could be classified as “poor”. Interestingly, Kalmadi is spending less than 32 rupees right now as he is in Tihar Jail.
Not only Kalmadi, Faking News found out that some of the criteria for identifying “socially poor” were throwing up other errors especially in cases where “quality” of relationships were being considered.
For instance, Indian cricketer Munaf Patel could be declared socially poor as the only relationship he had was with Bobby Darling, while other cricketers in his social circle were having affairs with well-to-do models and Bollywood actresses.
“Even Manmohan Singh and L K Advani are turning out to be poor based on the ‘quality’ of their political relationships,” an expert pointed out the drawbacks in the criteria to identify socially poor people.
“However, Sharad Pawar is rich even here!” the expert added.

Exposed: top secret letters exchanged before A Raja resigned


Faking News has accessed a series of letters exchanged between the top leaders of our country in the last few days, which has now concluded with A Raja resigning from the union cabinet. These letters were supposed to be classified and not meant for public consumption, but a whistleblower in the PMO has sent them to us. The letters were sent to WikiLeaks as well, but the team there is still busy reading the Iraq war documents.
The first letter was sent by AIADMK leader J Jayalalithaa:
Dear Manmohan Singgh,
I very well know the fact that these media people will keep inflatingg this Raja’s 2G scandal case for a week and then forgget about it and targget some other person. But this should never happen. People must not forgget this act of national betrayal. I have certain suggggestions to you and I would be gglad if it is implemented.
  • In all the Engglish words containingg the letter ‘G’, the letter has to be written twice so that people will be remembering the ’2G’ scam, and ggiggggle every time they see Raja.
  • All the popular names must be changged in their spellingg. From now on, names like Gandhiji, Nehruji, Bhajji and Jumanji must be written as GandhiG, NehruG, BhajG and JumanG respectively.
  • The History subject must be removed from the School syllabus as I stronggly believe that knowingg about other Indian Rajas (Kinggs) will set a bad example to the kids.
On dismissingg Raja, if that DMK withdraws support, I will ggive 18 seats from AIADMK ggroup. And I will assure that all the 18 seats will be neatly stitched and will have sufficient amount of cushion in it to make the seatingg comfortable. I assure to give an ‘unconditional’ support to your GGovernment, and all you have to do is to fulfill my 1,123 conditions before taking my 18 seats.
Yours unconditionally,
J.Jayalalithaa,
Also known as Amma.
Of course, the mainstream media could only know about the demand of sacking A Raja and offer of Amma’s support in case DMK withdraws support to the Manmohan Singh government, and that’s what DMK president Karunanidhi got to know, which prompted him to write the following letter:
Dear Brother,
I am writing this letter with a very heavy heart as my heart has grown too big after learning that our country lost 1.76 lakh crore rupees due to A Raja. I have called the Tamil Nadu police and the Scotland Yard to find the sum that has been lost. We have also started advertising on ‘our’ TVs and I am sure that we will find the lost amount very soon. We have also signed a MoU with Google to inform us as soon as they find it.
And Amma is lying. Even if she wins a parliament seat and counts herself as equal to 6 MPs, she will not be able to match us. Our sum is more than you can imagine. No one can divide that.
Ever confidently,
Dr. Kalaignar.
Top Secret
The letters are still lying safe in the PMO
Clearly, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was not so amused with the letter. He texted “wassup dude? Any updates?” to A Raja himself using his latest 3G services, following which the tainted minister wrote:
Dear Savior,
I know you will have doubts whether to dismiss me from the post or not. Please don’t worry. No one knows what power I have in Tamil Nadu. I have strictly ordered my optician not to disclose it to anyone. A few weeks back, a small incident happened and it was then I realized what my potential is, indeed.
I attended the conference where Dr. Vaseegaran displayed his first andro-humanoid creation – Chitti, The Robot. Everyone was asking questions to Chitti and it was answering all of theirs. It was at that time one of the scientists next to me asked Chitti, What is the largest prime number you know?”
I, then, out of curiosity asked the scientist what is a prime number, for which the scientist replied that such a number can only be divided by one and the number itself (meanwhile Chitti was busy typing).
Chitti then showed a large number and said, “It would take 10 years for you to check if it is right or wrong.”
It was only the next morning I counted the 2G scam money I had. I was pretty much sure that the number I counted was definitely more than the number Chitti typed. And I can surely say that the number I counted was a prime number because except one (you know who he is) no one else can divide that sum. It was only then I realized that I am more capable than Chitti. So better don’t take me off from the Ministry.
Yours ‘faithfully’,
A Raja.
Dr. Manmohan Singh was crazy as hell at this point of time and hence he forwarded all the letters to UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi and authorized her to take a decision on the A Raja issue.
Sonia Gandhi replied within an hour:
Dear Manmohan,
Forget what Amma has said or what Karunanidhi means, we’ll take a call next year when assembly elections in Tamil Nadu take place. Let’s see what A Raja has said; it’s very interesting.
If the 2G scam sum is more than the largest prime number, surely it will take more than 10 years even for a learned scientist to find that out. That’s another two terms for the UPA! But where is the money? This Raja guy can’t talk like this. He should be taught a lesson.
Furthermore, our perception has been improving since we have removed Ashok Chavan and Suresh Kalmadi (even though he’s still the president of IOA, LOL!) and RSS has been helping us by acting like asses. We must capitalize on this and kick this Raja out. Ask Dr. Karunanidhi to appoint a Rajkumar (but no Yuvraaj, make that clear) to replace Raja.
You should break this news to Karunanidhi the way you deem fit.
Yours,
Sonia Gandhi.
Manmohan Singh wrote the last letter to Dr. Karunanidhi:
Dear Savior,
I know how much valuable Raja is for our country’s growth and development. But all good things must come to an end. So we have sacked him, but DMK should say he has resigned.
Please don’t take it otherwise. He will undoubtedly be the 2G hero of India and from now on, the last spectrum of the VIBGYOR series, which has been known as the Red spectrum, will be renamed as Raja spectrum as a tribute to his selfless soul and for your cooperation.
Looking forward to my honorary degree in Kalaignar Thoughts.
Yours dependently,
MMS.
(sent from my PMO’s PC on 3G)
(the writer blogs here)

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