FIFA World Cup 2014: Brazil Defeats Croatia 3-1 In Opening Match

Brazil shrugged off anti-tournament protests and doubts of under-prepared infrastructure as the football carnival began with a sparkling opening ceremony

Sao Paulo, June 13 (PTI): Brazil launched their FIFA World Cup campaign in style with a 3-1 victory over Croatia in a free-flowing opening match as the biggest sporting spectacle on earth began here on Thursday.

Considered the spiritual home of the game, Brazilshrugged off anti-tournament protests and doubts of under prepared infrastructure as the football carnival began with a sparkling opening ceremony.

The host nation, however, started on the wrong foot as Marcelo scored an own goal much to the surprise of the home crowd.

Then wonder boy Neymar emerged as a true hero as he rose to the occasion by scoring an equalizer before converting a highly controversial penalty to send the 60,000 plus gathering into an ecstatic frenzy at the Corinthians arena.

The 22-year old, playing his first World Cup game, was under tremendous pressure and scrutiny for his prodigious talent and the star Barcelona striker did exactly what was expected of him.

To put the icing on the cake, Oscar, whose selection was debated, toed the ball from a distance into the goal post in dying moments to complete the win.

[Special Issue] 2014 FIFA World Cup: The top contenders and profiles of the 32 teams

Japanese referee Yuichi Nishimura though was dubbed as villain for his dubious decision to award penalty, leaving Croatian team and their fans heartbroken. Fred had backed into Croatian defender Dejan Lovren and fell over, an act which Nishimura punished.

“If anybody saw that was a penalty, let them raise their hand. I cannot raise my hand. I didn’t see it,” Croatian coach Niko Kovac fumed.

“If you continue in this vein then there will be 100 penalties during this World Cup.”

But in one of the most exciting opening games in a World Cup, witnessed by 12 heads of states, Brazil made a prefect start in their quest to lift the Cup for a record sixth time.

The victory triggered celebration across Sao Paulo when hours before the opening ceremony, police had to fire tear gas and rubber bullets to defuse a fresh protest near a subway station.

The vibrant opening ceremony encapsulated the colour, culture and nature of Brazil, hosting the big football party first time since 1950.

Thousands of football lovers from across the world thronged the Corinthians Arena and watched the spectacle unfold with invigorating enthusiasm. However, a few stands were still empty when the 30-minute ceremony began.

A giant LED ball, placed at the centre of the stadium, displayed the welcome message in different languages, and hundreds of artists started to trickle in.

Dressed as trees, plants and flowers, the artists represented the nature of the country with background music, which had no drum tunes as yet.

Then on show was the diversity of the Brazilian people, their dance and martial arts, developed by the slaves in the 16th century for self defence.

It was followed by what Brazil is synonymous with, game of football. Several people with football as headgear came in and kids dressed as referees came to the pitch and depicted conduct of a match.

Immediately after this, the Brazilian flag was paraded onto the pitch. The giant ball opened and took the form of a flower. Brazilian singer Claudinha surfaced from under it along with Pop icon Jennifer Lopez and rapper Pit Bull.

The trio sang the official World Cup song — We Are One (Ole Ola) — but it looked Jennifer’s mike did not work.

Also, the song could not be heard clearly and the ceremony, in which about 500 people showed the vibrant colours of Brazil, concluded in a jiffy without speech of any FIFA official.

Several anti-government protests have marred the build up over the cost of the staging of the event which is expected to be no less than USD 11 billion.

Not only the protests but also the delays in construction of stadias had put the organisers on the edge.

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BJP leader wants Salman Khan to be party’s PM candidate

Mumbai. The race for becoming the Prime Ministerial candidate of the BJP/NDA has become even more competitive and confusing. After Yashwant Sinha recommended Narendra Modi and Shiv Sena preferred Sushma Swaraj, a little-known leader of the party has recommended the name of Salman Khan.

“We have learnt all the bad things from Congress, such as corruption, foot-in-mouth statements from our leaders, confusion on economic policies, etc. It’s time we learn some good things from them too,” the BJP leader argued.

“We should make a member from the minority community our Prime Ministerial candidate,” the leader, who didn’t want to be named, suggested, “Sikhs are to Congress what Muslims are to BJP. If Congress fought last elections under a Sikh, we should go for a Muslim, and my choice is Salman Khan.”

Salman had earlier campaigned for a few BJP leaders, such as Vinod Khanna.

The choice of Salman Khan was backed by factors like widespread appeal despite being a polarizing figure, acceptance among the youth (especially among those who have no idea about politics and who tend to vote Congress consequently), acceptance among the core Hindu groups, and someone who matches Rahul Gandhi – the putative Prime Ministerial candidate of Congress for the next general elections.

“Salman is over 40, young, good-looking, and unmarried like Rahul Gandhi, and his movies have as much logic as some of the statements by Rahul,” the BJP leader told Faking News, “Shiv Sena too supports Salman, while JD-U will not oppose a Muslim candidate; so he’s good for the alliance too!”

The leader further pointed out that Salman holds Ganpati Puja at his home, which could convince Hindu groups of his acceptability, while he could get much more Muslim votes than any current BJP leader, including the Muslim ones, can ever manage.

The leader further argued that just like Congress manages to get votes in the Sikh majority state of Punjab, BJP will do better in the Muslim majority state of Jammu & Kashmir after Salman is made the party’s Prime Ministerial candidate.

“If Salman Khan ends up marrying Katrina Kaif, who is half Kashmiri, I don’t see any reason why BJP can’t win elections in Kashmir,” the leader came up with the logic.

When asked about the various criminal cases, such as hit-and-run and illegal poaching of Black Buck, which Salman faces, the leader said that the party could use them as strings to control the Bollywood superstar if he refused to toe the party-line.

“We can transfer these cases to the CBI, which is the best tool to control any political leader having independent ambitions,” he suggested.

When contacted for comments, Salman Khan said, “kya bakwaas hai yaar! I’m not the Khan whose movies have flopped recently, so no plans to enter politics.”

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India to send Vivek Oberoi into space

Banglaore. Close on the heels of Iran sending a monkey into space, India has announced that it will send Bollywood actor Vivek Oberoi into space. However, authorities have clarified that these two evens should not be linked.

“No, we are neither competing with Iran nor pitching Vivek against a monkey,” ISRO Chairman K. Radhakrishnan told Faking News, “We needed someone who was totally jobless and who might not be missed if stuck in space for a few months.”

ISRO sources revealed that the plan to send someone in space was conceived last year but got stuck in red-tapism and bureaucracy.

Vivek Oberoi dressed as an astronaut

“The original pool comprised of Rohit Sharma, Vivek Oberoi, and Manmohan Singh – all of whom met the criteria of being jobless and not getting noticed if missing for a few months,” an ISRO source revealed, “But Rohit Sharma found form and we were told that Manmohan Singh will be available only after the 2014 general elections. Thus Vivek Oberoi won the race by default.”

“This could be Vivek Oberoi’s most successful moment of late,” the source added.

ISRO is confident that Vivek Oberoi will not be missed by anyone and this would be the most important project he has ever taken.

“Frankly, no one took him seriously, starting with Aishwarya Rai,” Mr. Radhakrishnan said, “We are taking him seriously by choosing him for this mission, and we are confident that Mr. Oberoi would accept our offer.”

When asked why any regular and trained astronaut was not picked for the mission, Mr. Radhakrishnan said that ISRO feared unnecessary controversy if a non-Vivek human being was picked up.

“We could have sent only one human being, but people would have asked why a person of this particular religion, caste, or state only? We can’t represent every community of India, which would have resulted in hurt sentiments of other communities,” Mr. Radhakrishnan explained.

The ISRO Chairman further claimed that Vivek Oberoi was beyond any controversy, especially after the Aishwarya Rai issue was allegedly settled.

“The biggest proof is his presence at the oath-taking ceremony of Narendra Modi,” Mr. Radhakrishnan pointed out, “Nobody attacked him despite sharing stage with Modi. Contrast this with what happened to Amitabh Bachchan, Ajay Devgn, and Irfan Pathan.”

“Not even an open letter was addressed to Vivek asking him to explain why he attended the oath-taking ceremony of the most polarizing figure of India,” he explained why Vivek was a safe bet to be sent into space.

When Faking News contacted Vivek Oberoi for comments, he claimed that he didn’t have “dates” and was too busy doing meaningful movies.

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Constitution to be changed to allow minors to become corrupt ministers

New Delhi. After the sixth accused in the infamous Delhi gangrape case was declared a “minor” on the basis of school certificate, politicians in India are thinking of using the juvenile delinquency laws to their own advantage.

“He (the rape accused) will be a free man just after three years, even though he’s accused of acting in the most ghastly and beastly manner,” a politician marveled at the benefits of being a minor.

“Imagine, if this is what he gets for raping and killing a girl, what he would have got for carrying out corrupt activities like taking bribe or undermining policies,” the politician added,“ Man, one can be free in just a few days, even if there is clinching proof of corruption!”

Corrupt politicians are now hoping to hide behind another law

Sources tell Faking News that politicians are thinking of amending the constitution that disallows minors from voting for contesting elections. They see this as an excellent opportunity where they can get a person under 18 years as a proxy minister, who can be the front to carry out all the corrupt activities.

“They are thinking of allowing those over 13 years i.e. those eligible to join Facebook, to contest elections and become MPs, and finally become ministers in the government,” a source revealed, “Finally they won’t have to worry about their corrupt practices being caught.”

In fact, some of them are planning to declare themselves minor by producing fake school certificates; somewhat on lines of Raja Bhaiyya of Uttar Pradesh, who produced an affidavit that suggested that he had won his first assembly elections when he was just 19, whereas the minimum age-limit as per the Indian constitution to fight elections is 25 years.

Sources suggest that while there is near unanimity among all politicians to allow minors to contest elections, there are sharp divisions between Congress and BJP over allowing minors to vote.

“While Congress claims to have the youth icon Rahul Gandhi, they are not sure if the Facebook generation will vote for them as the social media is dominated by anti-Congress elements,” a source revealed, “They want to wait till they spend the 100 crores rupees on social media effectively.”

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What new color should Manmohan Singh try for his turban?

Many people have often wondered why our beloved Prime Minister always wears blue turban. Although he looks cool in that color, won’t it be a little worthwhile if he tried some different color for a change? Today Faking News asks its readers to pick a new color for the turban of our Prime Minister that they think would look good on him. Our editorial team has shortlisted four colors and appeal to our readers to choose one of them.

The following picture would help you visualize how Hon’ble Manmohan Singh would look in each of those four colors. Take a look and take a pick.

A new look for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

What new color should Prime Minister try for his turban?

A (Saffron)B (Yellow)C (Green)D (Pink)

VoteView ResultsPolldaddy.com

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Manmohan Singh gets retirement plan offers after Rahul Gandhi’s promotion

Few hours after Rahul Gandhi was officially given a bigger role by being appointed the Vice President of  the Congress party, Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh got a few mailers in his inbox offering him retirement plans.

One of the mailers looked like this:

Sources say Dr. Singh is seriously considering to buy a plan before the economy takes further bad shape or before someone worse than him becomes the Prime Minister.

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BJP supporters start petition urging Deepika Padukone to date Rahul Gandhi

New Delhi. Frustrated by the inability of their own party leaders, some BJP supporters have decided to take matters into their own hands to ensure a BJP victory in the 2014 general elections. A group of these supporters has started an online petition urging Bollywood star Deepika Padukone to date Rahul Gandhi, the preordained Prime Ministerial candidate of the ruling UPA alliance.

Explaining the rationale behind this petition, Mr. Rahul Gupta the representative of the group said, “We were celebrating couple of days back when we heard that Rahul Gandhi will lead UPA campaign during 2014 elections but BJP is trying hard to level the playing field by electing Nitin Gadkari as the party president once again. We need something to gain the edge again and looking at Deepika ji’s track record, she may be the ideal person to pull down Rahul Gandhi, even below Nitin Gadkari.”

He added, “When talented people like Yuvraj Singh and Ranbir Kapoor started struggling while dating her then what chance does Rahul ji have? Rahul ji is more in league with Siddharth Mallaya and look what happened to not just him but his father too. We hope for a similar bankruptcy for Mrs. Gandhi after her son dates Deepika.”

Deepika is reported to be a bit taller than Rahul, but BJP supporters say that it won’t be a problem as Rahul Gandhi is known to like bigger roles.

“Rahul Gandhi said in his speech that he loved to play Badminton and Deepika Padukone is the daughter of the best Badminton player India ever produced. She played Badminton herself before entering Bollywood so Rahul ji will be interested in her. That could be the starting point of their relationship”, a hopeful Mr. Gupta went on to add.

However, experts are not too optimistic about this match as Deepika Padukone doesn’t belong to any Minority or Dalit Community so Rahul Gandhi is unlikely to meet her with too much warmth.

BJP President, Mr. Nitin Gadkari meanwhile has refused to take it as a condemnation of his leadership. Mr. Gadkari said, “How can they not be comfortable with my leadership if they are working so hard to ensure we win the elections with me as the president. We need to promote this out of the box thinking culture. Maybe, they can join Purti Group once this mission is accomplished, we need such smart thinkers in our company.”

Meanwhile, leading journalists and thinkers, especially those on Twitter, have termed this petition a result of “misogyny” and “patriarchal mindset” because it discounts the will and views of Deepika Padukone about Rahul Gandhi.

Ms. Padukone was unavailable for a comment but the online petition has already got 14,589 signatures and Mr. Gupta plans to submit the application to Deepika after reaching 100,000 signatures.

As per sources within this support group, Siddharth Mallaya and Dr. Vijay Mallaya were the first to sign this petition.

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Footpath officially announced as the two-wheeler lane in Bangalore

Bangalore. The footpaths across all the roads in Bangalore were today officially announced as the two-wheeler lane by the Bangalore traffic police in a bid to counter increasing jams happening all over the city.

“We noticed several times that people on bikes always preferred driving in the footpath even if the roads were free. Maybe they got into that habit while driving during peak traffic. But we thought it was a great idea,” said a traffic sergeant in the Basavangudi area.

However, the traffic police department has clarified that it won’t show similar cooperation if the bikers start entering shops or houses next to the footpaths seeking shortcuts.

A biker enjoying his official driving lane

The announcement has caused the two-wheeler riders fly in joy. “It used to take 2 hours for me to reach my office which is 5 KMs away from my house. Now I can get an extra hour of morning sleep,” grinned an office goer in Indira Nagar area.

“Yes, we won’t try to enter shops or houses next to the footpaths,” he added, “But we should be allowed to park our bikes in those shops and houses as we can’t park our bike on footpaths anymore.”

“Apart from easing traffic, this will also increase the productivity in our company,” a senior HR manager from a famous IT company welcomed the step, “Most of the employees takeWork from Home option at least thrice a week citing the traffic problems and go for movies struggling in the same traffic. Now we can pull them out for work.”

Being a democratic society, there were people who were unhappy too.

A group of protesters were seen shouting slogans in front of the traffic commissioner’s office. One of the protesters, a leader of the auto drivers’ union, demanded that auto rickshaws too should also be allowed to ride through the footpaths; else they could start parking their autos on footpaths.

Apart from the auto-rickshaw drivers, the footpath vendors too are angry. They fear losing their marketplace and thus have demanded to be allow to open their shops in the Center Meridian of the roads.

When asked for a response, most of the pedestrians, whom the footpaths are originally meant for, told Faking News that they didn’t find any difference.

“I don’t remember when I used footpath last. Bikers, vendors, and jobless people were always occupying that space. Doesn’t make any difference to me,” a local resident claimed.

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Lord Shiva- The Powerful God

Shiva is 'shakti' or power, Shiva is the destroyer, the most powerful god of the Hindu pantheon and one of the godheads in the Hindu Trinity. Known by many names - Mahadeva, Mahayogi, Pashupati, Nataraja, Bhairava, Vishwanath, Bhava, Bhole Nath - Lord Shiva is perhaps the most complex of Hindu deities. Hindus recognize this by putting his shrine in the temple separate from those of other deities.

Shiva As Phallic Symbol:

Shiva, in temples is usually found as a phallic symbol of the 'linga', which represents the energies necessary for life on both the microcosmic and the macrocosmic levels, that is, the world in which we live and the world which constitutes the whole of the universe. In a Shaivite temple, the 'linga' is placed in the center underneath the spire, where it symbolizes the naval of the earth.

There are a number of mythological tales and legends surroundingLord Shiva. Here're a few popular ones:

Ganga Comes Down to Earth :

A legend from the Ramayana speaks of King Bhagirath who once meditated before Lord Brahma for a thousand years for the salvation of the souls of his ancestors. Pleased with his devotion Brahma granted him a wish. He requested the Lord to send the river Ganges down to earth from heaven so that she could flow over his ancestors' ashes andwash their curse away and allow them to go to heaven.

Brahma granted his wish but asked him to pray to Shiva, for he alone could support the weight of her descent. Accordingly he prayed to Shiva and he allowed the Ganges to descend on his head, and after meandering through his thick matted locks, the holy river reached the earth. This story is re-enacted by bathing the 'linga'.

The Tiger & the Leaves:

Once a hunter while chasing a deer wandered into a dense forest and found himself on the banks of river Kolidum when he heard the growl of a tiger. To protect himself from the beast he climbed up a tree nearby. The tiger pitched itself on the ground below the tree fostering no intention to leave. The hunter stayed up in the tree all night and to keep himself from falling asleep, he gently plucked one leaf after another from the tree and threw it down.

Under the tree was a Shiva Linga and the tree blessedly turned out to be a bilva tree. Unknowingly the man had pleased the deity with bilva leaves. At sunrise, the hunter looked down to find the tiger gone, and in its place stood Lord Shiva. He prostrated before the Lord and attained salvation from the cycle of birth and death.

Why Shiva is Worshipped in His Phallic Form:

According to another legend, once Brahma and Vishnu, two other deities of the holy Trinity, had an argument as to their supremacy. Brahma being the Creator declared himself to be more revered, while Vishnu, the Preserver, pronounced that he commanded more respect.

Just then a colossal 'lingam', known as Jyotirlinga, blanketed in flames, appeared before them. Both Brahma and Vishnu were awestruck by its rapidly increasing size. They forgot their quarrel and decided to determine its size. Vishnu assuming the form of a boar went to the netherworld and Brahma as a swan flew to the skies. But both of them failed to accomplish the self-assumed tasks. Then, Shiva appeared out of the 'lingam' and stated that he was the progenitor of them both and that henceforth he should be worshiped in his phallic form, the 'lingam', and not in his anthropomorphic form.

A Different Deity:

The actual image of Shiva is also distinct from other deities: his hair piled high on the top of his head, with a crescent tucked into it and the river Ganges tumbling from his hairs. Around his neck is a coiled serpent representing Kundalini or the spiritual energy within life. He holds a trident in his left hand in which is bound the 'damroo' (small leather drum). He sits on a tiger skin and on his right is a water pot. He wears the 'Rudraksha' beads and his whole body is smeared with ash.

The Destructive Force:

Shiva is believed to be at the core of the centrifugal force of the universe, because of his responsibility for death and destruction. Unlike the godhead Brahma, the Creator, or Vishnu, the Preserver, Shiva is the dissolving force in life. But Shiva dissolves in order to create, since death is the medium for rebirth into a new life. So the opposites of life and death and creation and destruction both reside in his character.

The Most Fascinating of Gods:

He is also often portrayed as the supreme ascetic with a passive and composed disposition. Sometimes he is depicted riding a bull called Nandi decked in garlands. Although a very complicated deity, Shiva is one of the most fascinating of Hindu gods.

The God Who's Always High!:

Since Shiva is regarded as a mighty destructive power, to numb his negative potentials he is fed with opium and is also termed as 'Bhole Shankar', one who is oblivious of the world. Therefore, on Maha Shivratri, the night of Shiva worship, devotees, especially the menfolk, prepare an intoxicating drink called 'Thandai' (made from cannabis, almonds, and milk) sing songs in praise of the Lord and dance to the rhythm of the drums

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Gmail blocks use of “IIT” in usernames to remove discrimination

Mumbai. Responding to a long pending demand of Engineers’ Rights activists (a disputed subset of Human Rights activists), Gmail has decided to ban the use of ‘iit’ in its usernames as the practice was seen discriminatory towards non-IIT engineers of India.

“There is a huge population of non-IIT engineers in India, in fact, they are in majority and they are also quite talented. But their Gmail usernames causes other people to become judgmental,” Vikkas Kapoor, one of the activists explained the “discrimination” due to ‘iit’ in Gmail usernames, “People take it for granted that abc@gmail.com will be dumber than abc_iit@gmail.com!”

Vikkas claimed that last year a girl had accepted his chat request on Google Chat after he changed his username from cool_vikkas@gmail.com to vikkas.iitd@gmail.com

Some IIT users were already experiencing error while logging into Gmail

“Such discriminations are being promoted by Google because they are allowing such characters in the username,” he complained.

While Google agreed that such problems exist, the search engine giant cited some other reasons too for their decision to ban ‘iit’ in usernames.

“Not just the IITs, the larger engineers’ community of India had started following the trend of using college names in their mail-id. This has led to creation of extra-long usernames because of the long and complicated names private engineering colleges. It was adding strain to our servers,” a Google official told Faking News.

“We believe that by barring the IITians, we might start a new trend where engineering college students start removing the name of their colleges in their Gmail usernames,” the official hoped.

The decision has got mixed response from different sections of the society. Majority of engineers and the Left parties have given it a thumbs up, calling it a giant step toward social equality.

However, it seems that Google’s move hasn’t been welcomed in their own backyard because of many IITians working in the company. Some market analyst even fear that Google may have to pay for this in their next recruitment drive at IIT campuses.

“I don’t think these are real issues of concern for Google. Leave aside the Gmail username, a guy will change his whole name to get that hefty pay package!” an analyst provided the counterview.

The decision by Google has also been mired in political controversy as a Congress leader alleged that Google was playing favoritism politics and was trying to gather the support of huge non-IIT population of country.

“IIT population was already poached by BJP or Team Anna and now the rest are being targeted by Google! There is a clear foreign hand behind it,” a Congress leader claimed as he requested Kapil Sibal to put more restriction on Google and the IITs.

Meanwhile Google has asked all Gmail users with ‘iit’ in their username to change their email ids as soon as possible, failing which the ‘iit’ in their email ids will automatically be replaced with ‘iipm’.

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SRK given status of Chief Minister of Bollywood, will be exempted at US airports

New Delhi. In an innovative solution to the problem of Shah Rukh Khan being detained at US airports again and again, government of India has decided to accord a diplomatic status to the Bollywood actor. Shah Rukh Khan will now be recognized as the Chief Minister of Bollywood – a new state of India – and would get a diplomatic passport.

“He is already addressed as King Khan – King of Bollywood – but since India did away with Kings, Nawaabs, and Zamindaars after independence, we decided to call him the CM of Bollywood,” informed an official in the Ministry of External Affairs, who was given the special charge of taking up the SRK detention issue with US.

Shah Rukh Khan gestures when a journalist asked him if he, as a CM, could ban the telecast of Aamir Khan’s latest TV show Satyamev Jayate in Bollywood, his state.

While SRK has been given the status of a Chief Minister, his rights and responsibilities are not yet clear, and it’s already turning into a political controversy.

“Bollywood is a part of Mumbai, and Mumbai belongs to Maharashtra. We will not allow Bollywood to be taken away from Maharashtra,” Shiv Sena leader Uddhav Thackeray declared. Thackeray claimed that they already had a (moral) police force for Bollywood, and if at all Bollywood were to be given the status of a state, someone from Shiv Sena camp should have become the Chief Minister.

BJP too has supported Shiv Sena and has termed the move as Congress’ attempt to increase the number of Congress friendly Chief Ministers in India on a day it had to face opposition from non-Congress CMs on matter of internal security.

Not only political parties, sources say that fans and friends of Salman Khan and Aamir Khan are also angry and want the government to issue diplomatic passports to the other two Khans too.

“There were four Chief Ministers in Meghalaya just two years ago, so why can’t be there four or five CMs in Bollywood?” an Aamir Khan fan wondered.

“No, we don’t want to share the post. There should be elections and we are sure Sallu will win,” a Salman Khan fan demanded and threatened to tear off the diplomatic passport of SRK.

Even John Abraham fans believe that the special status to SRK was not needed.

The government has declined to comment on these responses, but they confirmed that SRK would be allowed to choose his own cabinet for Bollywood.

“Karan Johar could become the Home Minister while Finance Ministry could be given to Gauri Khan – SRK’s wife, who has recently produced Ra.One,” a source close to Shah Rukh Khan revealed.

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Barack Obama’s credit card limit increased by Citibank

Washington, DC. His first term might have seen credit rating of the USA being downgraded by S&P, but his second term has started on a good note. Citibank has announced that it has increased the credit limit offered on the credit card held by Barack Obama by over 100 times.

“Credit limit for your Visa card XXXX XXXX XXXX 1121 has been increased” was the title of the e-mail received earlier by the US President, who threw a punch in the air after reading it on his iPhone and went on to deliver a spirited victory speech, where he declared that his best was yet to come.

The old credit card of Barack Obama

“Either he was talking about another credit card or maybe getting that AAA credit rating back for the USA,” concluded a political expert after analyzing Obama’s speech, “But his best will come only with increased spending. This increase in credit card limit is a good move.”

Sources at White House confirm that Obama has made grand plans for his second term following this increased credit limit, which reportedly went up from 5000 USD to 500000 USD.

“Apart from pre-ordering iPhone-6, he also plans to buy an Indian kurta for himself to appear more inclusive and appealing,” confirmed a self-styled distant aide of Obama, which led to Indian news channels holding three hour long discussions on the kind of kurta Obama should wear and how it could affect the Indian textiles industry.

“He also has offers to buy land in Haryana in India and in the whole of Pakistan to celebrate his second term,” the aide further disclosed but the news channels ignored this piece of information.

While the new credit card with increased limit and a photo showing him hugging his wife will soon reach Obama’s residence, latest reports suggest that Amazon.com has cancelled a Cash-On-Delivery order for a China tea-pot placed by Mitt Romney.

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Lashkar takes responsibility for leaking the mystery of Talaash

Mumbai. Sticking to their vow of taking revenge of Kasab’s death, terrorist group Lashkar-e-Taiba has carried out their first attack. On Friday morning, which is also the release date of Aamir Khan’s latest murder mystery Talaash, they have leaked the name of the murderer in the movie.

“Indians value TV and Movies more than their public rights and liberties,” a statement form Lashkar received by Faking News read, “That’s why we have decided to strike where it hurts most.”

The devastating attack was carried out this morning when some people saw the name of murderer written on streets when they were out for jogging. Similar incidents were reported from all major cities across the country, which has spoilt the enthusiasm and interest of millions of people planning to watch the movie.

Indian cyberspace has also been bombarded using e-mails, Facebook posts and tweets carrying information about climax of movie. Bulk SMS system has again been misused and it spread the news like wildfire.

Aamir Khan wondering if the government could arrest anyone for leaking the secret of his latest movie

“See, the social media needs to be controlled,” Kapil Sibal used this opportunity to push for online censorship even as he reiterated that there were zero losses to Aamir Khan due to the movie mystery being revealed by terrorists.

However, trade analysts confirm that the morning shows at multiplexes reported very little occupancy, as most of the people who did advance booking didn’t show up. With the spread of the revealed mystery, it’s expected that the weekend business of much awaited Aamir’s ambitious project will be very minimal.

While Sibal stuck to his zero-loss theory, he condemned this shameful act of terrorism and appealed to the citizens of the country not to get disappointed, and show the spirit that they had shown in wake of real terrorist attacks.

“The Mumbai spirit,” Sibal said, “Let us continue to tolerate and enjoy everything around us even if someone fucks with our happiness.”

Sources say that the government has also ordered an inquiry if people from Pakistan could be behind this leakage of the movie mystery. But Congress leader Digvijay Singh gave a clean chit to Pakistan and claimed that CAG Vinod Rai could be the person responsible as reports were often leaked from his office.

Meanwhile Bollywood has expressed its anger over the whole issue on Twitter. Suspense thriller directors are really blown off with this out of the box attack. Director duo Abbas-Mustan, whoseRace-2 will release next, has apparently asked for an insurance package from banks to cover their losses if terrorists strike again.

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Harbhajan Singh to take part in F1 race driving his Hummer

Greater Noida. Harbhajan Singh, who was dropped from the Indian cricket team against West Indies, has decided to mark his presence in the field of sports by taking part in the inaugural Indian Grand Prix. Harbhajan Singh will be the first Formula One driver in the world to drive a Hummer SUV. Bhajji, as Harbhajan is fondly called, has reportedly been granted permission to take part in the race.

“We have allowed Harbhajan to drive his Hummer on F1 track to attract crowds,” one of the organizers of The Grand Prix of India informed, “We already had two IPL owners – Sahara India and Vijay Mallya – owning an F1 team, but we needed some star power. Harbhajan brings that to table.”

He will go a long way in that Hummer

Sources suggest that Indian Grand Prix organizers were wary of losing money if the F1 race failed to attract the attention of the average Indian sports fan. Earlier the organizers had planned music concerts by Metallica and Lady Gaga before and after the race respectively, however they felt the need to do something similar during the race.

“Cricketers are back in demand after 5-0 whitewash of England,” a source explained why F1 organizers decided to let Bhajji drive his Hummer.

“Harbhajan was the cheapest option after we failed to convince Ravindra Jadeja,” the source added.

As per the planned events, Harbhajan will take part in the practice and the qualifying races, and will be allowed to take part in the final race if he performs well in the earlier rounds. While experts believe that Harbhajan will fail to qualify for the final race as his Hummer can’t match the pace of Formula One cars, Bhajji is confident to win the race.

“It’s not pace but spin that matters in Indian conditions,” Harbhajan said.

F1 organizers have refused to comment on the Indian conditions, but they are hoping that Bhajji would be able to attract crowds and garner revenues for the event. Sources inform that Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati has already warned the organizers that she will not tolerate any loss from the event.

“After Bhatta Parsaul incident, Mayawati is in no mood to suffer any loss over F1,” a source told Faking News, “Initially she had ordered the organizers to install ‘toll booths’ after each kilometer on the F1 track, and recover the cost from the drivers, as is usually done in UP to recover costs.”

Deeply concerned over the possibility of reputed drivers like Sebastian Vettel being beaten up to recover chanda or contributions to recover the costs, F1 organizers are believed to have come up with the idea of involving a cricketer to raise money.

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