BJP leader wants Salman Khan to be party’s PM candidate

Mumbai. The race for becoming the Prime Ministerial candidate of the BJP/NDA has become even more competitive and confusing. After Yashwant Sinha recommended Narendra Modi and Shiv Sena preferred Sushma Swaraj, a little-known leader of the party has recommended the name of Salman Khan.

“We have learnt all the bad things from Congress, such as corruption, foot-in-mouth statements from our leaders, confusion on economic policies, etc. It’s time we learn some good things from them too,” the BJP leader argued.

“We should make a member from the minority community our Prime Ministerial candidate,” the leader, who didn’t want to be named, suggested, “Sikhs are to Congress what Muslims are to BJP. If Congress fought last elections under a Sikh, we should go for a Muslim, and my choice is Salman Khan.”

Salman had earlier campaigned for a few BJP leaders, such as Vinod Khanna.

The choice of Salman Khan was backed by factors like widespread appeal despite being a polarizing figure, acceptance among the youth (especially among those who have no idea about politics and who tend to vote Congress consequently), acceptance among the core Hindu groups, and someone who matches Rahul Gandhi – the putative Prime Ministerial candidate of Congress for the next general elections.

“Salman is over 40, young, good-looking, and unmarried like Rahul Gandhi, and his movies have as much logic as some of the statements by Rahul,” the BJP leader told Faking News, “Shiv Sena too supports Salman, while JD-U will not oppose a Muslim candidate; so he’s good for the alliance too!”

The leader further pointed out that Salman holds Ganpati Puja at his home, which could convince Hindu groups of his acceptability, while he could get much more Muslim votes than any current BJP leader, including the Muslim ones, can ever manage.

The leader further argued that just like Congress manages to get votes in the Sikh majority state of Punjab, BJP will do better in the Muslim majority state of Jammu & Kashmir after Salman is made the party’s Prime Ministerial candidate.

“If Salman Khan ends up marrying Katrina Kaif, who is half Kashmiri, I don’t see any reason why BJP can’t win elections in Kashmir,” the leader came up with the logic.

When asked about the various criminal cases, such as hit-and-run and illegal poaching of Black Buck, which Salman faces, the leader said that the party could use them as strings to control the Bollywood superstar if he refused to toe the party-line.

“We can transfer these cases to the CBI, which is the best tool to control any political leader having independent ambitions,” he suggested.

When contacted for comments, Salman Khan said, “kya bakwaas hai yaar! I’m not the Khan whose movies have flopped recently, so no plans to enter politics.”

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Gmail blocks use of “IIT” in usernames to remove discrimination

Mumbai. Responding to a long pending demand of Engineers’ Rights activists (a disputed subset of Human Rights activists), Gmail has decided to ban the use of ‘iit’ in its usernames as the practice was seen discriminatory towards non-IIT engineers of India.

“There is a huge population of non-IIT engineers in India, in fact, they are in majority and they are also quite talented. But their Gmail usernames causes other people to become judgmental,” Vikkas Kapoor, one of the activists explained the “discrimination” due to ‘iit’ in Gmail usernames, “People take it for granted that abc@gmail.com will be dumber than abc_iit@gmail.com!”

Vikkas claimed that last year a girl had accepted his chat request on Google Chat after he changed his username from cool_vikkas@gmail.com to vikkas.iitd@gmail.com

Some IIT users were already experiencing error while logging into Gmail

“Such discriminations are being promoted by Google because they are allowing such characters in the username,” he complained.

While Google agreed that such problems exist, the search engine giant cited some other reasons too for their decision to ban ‘iit’ in usernames.

“Not just the IITs, the larger engineers’ community of India had started following the trend of using college names in their mail-id. This has led to creation of extra-long usernames because of the long and complicated names private engineering colleges. It was adding strain to our servers,” a Google official told Faking News.

“We believe that by barring the IITians, we might start a new trend where engineering college students start removing the name of their colleges in their Gmail usernames,” the official hoped.

The decision has got mixed response from different sections of the society. Majority of engineers and the Left parties have given it a thumbs up, calling it a giant step toward social equality.

However, it seems that Google’s move hasn’t been welcomed in their own backyard because of many IITians working in the company. Some market analyst even fear that Google may have to pay for this in their next recruitment drive at IIT campuses.

“I don’t think these are real issues of concern for Google. Leave aside the Gmail username, a guy will change his whole name to get that hefty pay package!” an analyst provided the counterview.

The decision by Google has also been mired in political controversy as a Congress leader alleged that Google was playing favoritism politics and was trying to gather the support of huge non-IIT population of country.

“IIT population was already poached by BJP or Team Anna and now the rest are being targeted by Google! There is a clear foreign hand behind it,” a Congress leader claimed as he requested Kapil Sibal to put more restriction on Google and the IITs.

Meanwhile Google has asked all Gmail users with ‘iit’ in their username to change their email ids as soon as possible, failing which the ‘iit’ in their email ids will automatically be replaced with ‘iipm’.

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SRK given status of Chief Minister of Bollywood, will be exempted at US airports

New Delhi. In an innovative solution to the problem of Shah Rukh Khan being detained at US airports again and again, government of India has decided to accord a diplomatic status to the Bollywood actor. Shah Rukh Khan will now be recognized as the Chief Minister of Bollywood – a new state of India – and would get a diplomatic passport.

“He is already addressed as King Khan – King of Bollywood – but since India did away with Kings, Nawaabs, and Zamindaars after independence, we decided to call him the CM of Bollywood,” informed an official in the Ministry of External Affairs, who was given the special charge of taking up the SRK detention issue with US.

Shah Rukh Khan gestures when a journalist asked him if he, as a CM, could ban the telecast of Aamir Khan’s latest TV show Satyamev Jayate in Bollywood, his state.

While SRK has been given the status of a Chief Minister, his rights and responsibilities are not yet clear, and it’s already turning into a political controversy.

“Bollywood is a part of Mumbai, and Mumbai belongs to Maharashtra. We will not allow Bollywood to be taken away from Maharashtra,” Shiv Sena leader Uddhav Thackeray declared. Thackeray claimed that they already had a (moral) police force for Bollywood, and if at all Bollywood were to be given the status of a state, someone from Shiv Sena camp should have become the Chief Minister.

BJP too has supported Shiv Sena and has termed the move as Congress’ attempt to increase the number of Congress friendly Chief Ministers in India on a day it had to face opposition from non-Congress CMs on matter of internal security.

Not only political parties, sources say that fans and friends of Salman Khan and Aamir Khan are also angry and want the government to issue diplomatic passports to the other two Khans too.

“There were four Chief Ministers in Meghalaya just two years ago, so why can’t be there four or five CMs in Bollywood?” an Aamir Khan fan wondered.

“No, we don’t want to share the post. There should be elections and we are sure Sallu will win,” a Salman Khan fan demanded and threatened to tear off the diplomatic passport of SRK.

Even John Abraham fans believe that the special status to SRK was not needed.

The government has declined to comment on these responses, but they confirmed that SRK would be allowed to choose his own cabinet for Bollywood.

“Karan Johar could become the Home Minister while Finance Ministry could be given to Gauri Khan – SRK’s wife, who has recently produced Ra.One,” a source close to Shah Rukh Khan revealed.

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Lashkar takes responsibility for leaking the mystery of Talaash

Mumbai. Sticking to their vow of taking revenge of Kasab’s death, terrorist group Lashkar-e-Taiba has carried out their first attack. On Friday morning, which is also the release date of Aamir Khan’s latest murder mystery Talaash, they have leaked the name of the murderer in the movie.

“Indians value TV and Movies more than their public rights and liberties,” a statement form Lashkar received by Faking News read, “That’s why we have decided to strike where it hurts most.”

The devastating attack was carried out this morning when some people saw the name of murderer written on streets when they were out for jogging. Similar incidents were reported from all major cities across the country, which has spoilt the enthusiasm and interest of millions of people planning to watch the movie.

Indian cyberspace has also been bombarded using e-mails, Facebook posts and tweets carrying information about climax of movie. Bulk SMS system has again been misused and it spread the news like wildfire.

Aamir Khan wondering if the government could arrest anyone for leaking the secret of his latest movie

“See, the social media needs to be controlled,” Kapil Sibal used this opportunity to push for online censorship even as he reiterated that there were zero losses to Aamir Khan due to the movie mystery being revealed by terrorists.

However, trade analysts confirm that the morning shows at multiplexes reported very little occupancy, as most of the people who did advance booking didn’t show up. With the spread of the revealed mystery, it’s expected that the weekend business of much awaited Aamir’s ambitious project will be very minimal.

While Sibal stuck to his zero-loss theory, he condemned this shameful act of terrorism and appealed to the citizens of the country not to get disappointed, and show the spirit that they had shown in wake of real terrorist attacks.

“The Mumbai spirit,” Sibal said, “Let us continue to tolerate and enjoy everything around us even if someone fucks with our happiness.”

Sources say that the government has also ordered an inquiry if people from Pakistan could be behind this leakage of the movie mystery. But Congress leader Digvijay Singh gave a clean chit to Pakistan and claimed that CAG Vinod Rai could be the person responsible as reports were often leaked from his office.

Meanwhile Bollywood has expressed its anger over the whole issue on Twitter. Suspense thriller directors are really blown off with this out of the box attack. Director duo Abbas-Mustan, whoseRace-2 will release next, has apparently asked for an insurance package from banks to cover their losses if terrorists strike again.

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With Kochi out, Sreesanth inquires if he can train cheerleaders in IPL

Kochi. After BCCI terminated Kochi Tuskers Kerala’s franchise and ruled out return of the IPL team for the 2012 edition of the Indian Premier League, Sreesanth, one of the home members of KTK, has asked BCCI if he could take part in the 2012 IPL as the official trainer of all cheerleaders.

Sreesanth, along with other members of the KTK, could get an option of playing for other IPL teams in wake of KTK being suspended, but the fast bowler, who is also a passionate dancer, chose to train cheerleaders instead of being auctioned again.

“Yes, we have received a request to this effect and we are considering it,” BCCI president N Srinivasan told Faking News, “But the problem is BCCI doesn’t train the cheerleaders; they are directly employed by the franchises, so I don’t know how will this work.”

Sreesanth’s official avatar?

However sources suggest that BCCI could indeed appoint Sreesanth as the official head of all the cheerleaders, but not because of his dancing skills.

“A cheerleader’s blog had caused some embarrassment to the board last year and they had been looking to bring all the cheerleader’s under BCCI’s direct control ever since,” a source revealed, “Sreesanth’s employment could become a good excuse for satisfying  board’s obsession with controlling everything related to cricket in India.”

Sources further inform that BCCI, which had suspended Rajasthan and Punjab IPL teams last year but later revoked their suspension, is making sure that they don’t suspend more than one franchise in one go, as such franchises could gang up with suspended IPL chairman Lalit Modi and start some suspended premier league.

“Lalit Modi had approached both Shilpa Shetty and Preity Zinta last year but the coup was defeated by the BCCI at the last moment as Lalit was too busy chatting about fashion bags before coming to the point. This year they have played their cards intelligently, by suspending only one team, and that too a team that is not a favorite of Lalit Modi,” the source said.

Unaware of all this, Sreesanth is hopeful of getting his dream job of training the cheerleaders in the next year’s IPL. Sree rejected charges that he was doing so because he didn’t want to lose the IPL contract money.

“If I wanted to make money through dancing, I’d have become a dancer at Sri Padmanabhaswamy temple,” the fast bowler said. He refused to comment on demands from some quarters asking the treasure rich temple to pay the money on behalf of KTK, thus truly making KTK “God’s own IPL team”.

Meanwhile, Ravindra Jadeja, another KTK player, is still clueless on what he should be doing in wake of suspension of Kochi. According to sources, Jadeja has been advised to do nothing, as last time he tried to do something, in 2010, he wasbanned from that year’s IPL.

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Government to officially close the matter of 2G scam on Dussehra

New Delhi. After the controversial 2G note matter was closed in a 10-minutes press briefing on Thursday, government has decided to close the larger matter of 2G scam itself and put a conclusive end to the whole affair. After consulting various ministers and advisors, the UPA government has announced that it will officially close the matter of 2G scam on Dussehra, which is less than a week away.

“The views expressed by the CAG in their report are not their own,” Union Minister Kapil Sibal explained why the government thought that the matter should be closed.

Prime Minister is reported to have given green signal to the whole proposal

“Recent reports have suggested that initially an internal audit by CAG had put the notional loss in the 2G spectrum allocation case to a muchlower figure, which was overturned by the CAG headquarters,” Sibal explained, “This clearly shows that the CAG report doesn’t reflect the views of the CAG as an institution, much like the 2G note didn’t reflect the views of the government.”

Drawing parallels between the 2G note and the CAG report, Kapil Sibal further said that both the documents were just a “routine” communication between various government agencies, which were misreported widely by the media and misinterpreted by the public.

“Fortunately, under the able guidance of Madam Gandhi, we could close the matter around the 2G note,” he said, “And now is the turn of the CAG report – a matter that will be closed for good on the auspicious day of Dussehra.”

Sibal refused to divulge the details on how the government intends to close the matter, but sources tell Faking News that the process might not take more than 10 minutes, as was the case with closure of the matter arising out the 2G note.

“I think they are going to make a Raavan effigy out of the CAG report on Dussheraand Rahul Gandhi, acting as Lord Rama, will burn down the effigy with a burning arrow made out of the CBI charge-sheet,” Ravindra Chaudhary, an expert visualized the closure of the 2G spectrum allocation scam.

On being asked why he thinks Congress could take help of religious symbols, which almost makes it appear like the BJP, Ravindra said, “Congress has been claiming that they just followed the policy of the BJP government in the 2G spectrum allocation, so I guess they’d do the same even while closing this matter.”

However Congress has rejected such visualizations as figment of imagination of a few people and has blamed the BJP for spreading misinformation.

“All I want to say right now is that there was no scam. There was no loss and no rules were broken,” Kapil Sibal reiterated, “I am happy that the matter will be closed.”

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People with less than 32 friends on Facebook or Twitter identified as “socially poor”

New Delhi. After Planning Commission’s benchmarks for identifying poor people based on economic criteria drew flak, the government has come up with new set up benchmarks that will identify poor people based on “social” criteria. The government has claimed that critics should hold their horses for now, as the definition of “socially poor” would include those who were left out by Planning Commission as being “economically poor” and help those in need.

“It’s same as ‘economic backwardness’ versus ‘social backwardness’; a mixture of both goes a long way in making policies that are hallmark of a welfare state,” Mukul Wasnik, Minister for Social Justice & Empowerment told Faking News.

However, for the first time in the history of independent India, government has used “social” in a context that doesn’t include considerations exclusively based on one’s caste, religion, tribe, or other ethnic identities. Instead, it’s actually “social” i.e. the way a person’s relationships are made with the rest of the society.

While Munaf Patel comes from a modest family background, he could be declared poor due to his social relationships.

“We are willing to consider even online relationships, as that’s where the word ‘social’ is mostly used these days,” Mr. Wasnik said.

The union minister revealed that under the new set of benchmarks, a person with less than 32 friends on Facebook will be considered for being classified as “socially poor” if each one of his or her friends is having more than 32 friends.

Similarly, someone who is following more than 1000 accounts on Twitter but having less than 32 followers even after publishing at least 5000 public tweets will be considered socially poor.

“Poor status on social networking sites will increase the chances of a person to get the BPL (Below Poverty Line) card, but the final decision will be taken based on his or her status in the real world,” Mr. Wasnik clarified.

The criteria for being socially poor in the real world are quite complex but mostly revolves around quantity and quality of one’s relationships and “contacts”.

For example, a person, who fails to get even a single person to become his or her guarantor for opening a bank account, will be classified as “socially poor”, as it proves utter lack of “quantity” in relationships and contacts in urban India.

“This should cover all those people who are spending more than 32 rupees a day but are still poor for all practical purposes,” the union minister claimed.

When pointed out by Faking News that even Suresh Kalmadi could meet the same fate if he tried to open a new bank account today, the minister refused to comment if Kalmadi could be classified as “poor”. Interestingly, Kalmadi is spending less than 32 rupees right now as he is in Tihar Jail.

Not only Kalmadi, Faking News found out that some of the criteria for identifying “socially poor” were throwing up other errors especially in cases where “quality” of relationships were being considered.

For instance, Indian cricketer Munaf Patel could be declared socially poor as the only relationship he had was with Bobby Darling, while other cricketers in his social circle were having affairs with well-to-do models and Bollywood actresses.

“Even Manmohan Singh and L K Advani are turning out to be poor based on the ‘quality’ of their political relationships,” an expert pointed out the drawbacks in the criteria to identify socially poor people.

“However, Sharad Pawar is rich even here!” the expert added.

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Shahrukh joins Facebook, to charge 500 rupees for posting birthday wishes on wall

Mumbai. Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan is all set to join Facebook after joining Twitter. However on Facebook, he is going to be more active and personal with his fans. King Khan is all set to send out personalized birthday wishes to his fans by posting messages like “Happy Birthday my sweetest friend” on their Facebook walls through a Facebook application.

But this is not going to be free for the fans; they will have to shell out some money to see SRK post some finest birthday wishes.

“Just 500 rupees,” informed Chanchal Pandey, the publicity agent of the Bollywood superstar, “Fans have to authorize an application named SRKsays and make a payment of 500 rupees through credit card, and their job is done. The application will find out their birthday as per their Facebook profile information and post a birthday message on their wall on behalf of Shahrukh.”

The application will post personalized and unique messages on the Facebook walls that will appear to have been posted personally by Shah Rukh Khan from his personal profile. A sample post could look something like this:

Shah Rukh Khan’s Facebook application wishes you a Happy Birthday

The application will also broadcast an update on the Facebook ticker that will read something like “Manish Kumar was just wished by Shah Rukh Khan on his birthday” so that other users are tempted to use the application as well.

When contacted by Faking News, King Khan confirmed the development and hoped to connect with his fans on Facebook on a daily basis. He also termed it as “democratization” of his celebrity status.

Shahrukh Khan dancing at a wedding party

“See, I have been taking part in weddings of the rich and powerful and acting as if those rich people were my personal friends. But the truth is I did that for money,” SRK candidly admitted, “Now if I can act like personal friends of the rich and the powerful, why should I deny the same rights to my fans who are not so rich and powerful?”

Shah Rukh claimed that 500 rupees that he was charging was a modest professional fee that his fans should pay for this “service”. In return, fans will get a memory that they can cherish for whole of their life.

“Their Facebook friends will be jealous, and they can frame the screenshots of the wall post to show it off to their non-Facebook friends,” SRK’s publicity manager explained.

Facebook experts believe that the latest campaign by Shah Rukh Khan is going to be a runaway success and he could earn substantially this way, more than what many other actors earn through box office collections. However some experts foresee trouble for SRK.

“Is this application going to be exclusively for Indian fans only? What if Facebook users from Pakistan are going to authorize this application? We could see another political controversy with parties like Shiv Sena opposing this move,” a Facebook expert warned.

Experts also foresee other celebrities, especially Salman Khan and Aamir Khan, joining Facebook to launch similar applications. While Salman’s application could give birthday bumps to users, experts believe that Aamir will wait till Facebook becomes perfect and launches its new Timeline for every user.

Unconfirmed sources suggest that model Poonam Pandey too could launch a Facebook application that will post her semi-nude pictures on walls of users for free.

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