With Kochi out, Sreesanth inquires if he can train cheerleaders in IPL

Kochi. After BCCI terminated Kochi Tuskers Kerala’s franchise and ruled out return of the IPL team for the 2012 edition of the Indian Premier League, Sreesanth, one of the home members of KTK, has asked BCCI if he could take part in the 2012 IPL as the official trainer of all cheerleaders.

Sreesanth, along with other members of the KTK, could get an option of playing for other IPL teams in wake of KTK being suspended, but the fast bowler, who is also a passionate dancer, chose to train cheerleaders instead of being auctioned again.

“Yes, we have received a request to this effect and we are considering it,” BCCI president N Srinivasan told Faking News, “But the problem is BCCI doesn’t train the cheerleaders; they are directly employed by the franchises, so I don’t know how will this work.”

Sreesanth’s official avatar?

However sources suggest that BCCI could indeed appoint Sreesanth as the official head of all the cheerleaders, but not because of his dancing skills.

“A cheerleader’s blog had caused some embarrassment to the board last year and they had been looking to bring all the cheerleader’s under BCCI’s direct control ever since,” a source revealed, “Sreesanth’s employment could become a good excuse for satisfying  board’s obsession with controlling everything related to cricket in India.”

Sources further inform that BCCI, which had suspended Rajasthan and Punjab IPL teams last year but later revoked their suspension, is making sure that they don’t suspend more than one franchise in one go, as such franchises could gang up with suspended IPL chairman Lalit Modi and start some suspended premier league.

“Lalit Modi had approached both Shilpa Shetty and Preity Zinta last year but the coup was defeated by the BCCI at the last moment as Lalit was too busy chatting about fashion bags before coming to the point. This year they have played their cards intelligently, by suspending only one team, and that too a team that is not a favorite of Lalit Modi,” the source said.

Unaware of all this, Sreesanth is hopeful of getting his dream job of training the cheerleaders in the next year’s IPL. Sree rejected charges that he was doing so because he didn’t want to lose the IPL contract money.

“If I wanted to make money through dancing, I’d have become a dancer at Sri Padmanabhaswamy temple,” the fast bowler said. He refused to comment on demands from some quarters asking the treasure rich temple to pay the money on behalf of KTK, thus truly making KTK “God’s own IPL team”.

Meanwhile, Ravindra Jadeja, another KTK player, is still clueless on what he should be doing in wake of suspension of Kochi. According to sources, Jadeja has been advised to do nothing, as last time he tried to do something, in 2010, he wasbanned from that year’s IPL.

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I saw Tendulkar running between wickets on a horse: Afridi

Islamabad, Pakistan. In a sensational disclosure, Pakistani cricketer Shahid Afridi has claimed that Indian batsman Sachin Tendulkar cheated by riding a horse to cover the distance between the wickets when he should have been using his legs. Afridi said that Sachin rode the horse again and again and went on to score a century against Pakistan in a 2005 ODI match at Ahmedabad, which India lost by 3 wickets.

“I clearly saw it,” Afridi recalled, “India batted first and I still remember Sachin and Sehwag coming out in the field riding on a big white horse, which had a pink tail and red hoofs. The reins of the horse were held by Sachin while Sehwag was riding behind him, clutching onto him like a baby.”

“I thought it was some Indian way to make a grand entry as they do in various events and ceremonies, so I kept quiet at that moment,” Afridi said, “But I was surprised when the horse stood back on the field even as Sachin and Sehwag took charge to bat.”

Afridi claims that he took up the issue with ground umpires, but both of them failed to see any horse on the field. He even asked them to call up the third umpire and verify it through video recordings, but shockingly even the third umpire couldn’t spot any horse on the ground.

“It was shocking,” Afridi shared his frustration, “We always knew that India cheated and used unfair means through BCCI, but this was a total shocker. Even now when I go back and look at the match recordings, I don’t see any horse. Clearly, they have used advanced technology and removed the horse from the recordings.”

Sachin Tendulkar, as seen by Shahid Afridi.

Afridi claims that he had to continue with the match as Inzamam-ul-Haq, the captain of Pakistani team in that match, too failed to see the horse and instead asked Afridi to concentrate on the match.

“This totally broke my confidence and I couldn’t take any wickets in the match,” Afridi revealed the hitherto secret incidents that took place six years ago, “I couldn’t believe when people failed to see Sachin getting on the horse as soon as he played a shot and going to the other end riding on a horse.”

“This was the reason Sehwag got run out,” Afridi provided a “proof” to back his allegations, “Sehwag failed to match the pace of the horse. Next batsman in was Dhoni, who could run as fast as the horse, so he didn’t get run out, but he was surprisingly caught by Kamran Akmal behind the wicket. The next one to follow was Ganguly, who again failed to match the pace of the horse and got run out. All these are documented, you can check it.”

“All the Indian players knew that there was a horse on the field for Sachin,” he further disclosed, “Harbhajan Singh, who was the 12^th man in the match, used to bring green grass laced with Horlicks for the horse after each over. The horse did all the running for Sachin.”

Afridi claimed that Sachin scored as many as 63 runs while riding a horse, which was a blatant violation of ICC rules and proved that Sachin was not any great batsman.

“Who knows he might have used the same horse to score his double century in the ODI against South Africa last year,” Afridi alleged.

Afridi said that he was silent all these years as Pakistan eventually went on to win the match. “God punished them for using unfair means,” he said, “But Sachin was riding the horse even while fielding. It’s such a shame that I was declared out caught by Sachin riding a horse.”

The former Pakistani captain, who is currently under conditional retirement, claims that he will disclose more such startling truths in his upcoming autobiography named “From the horse’s mouth”.

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Government to officially close the matter of 2G scam on Dussehra

New Delhi. After the controversial 2G note matter was closed in a 10-minutes press briefing on Thursday, government has decided to close the larger matter of 2G scam itself and put a conclusive end to the whole affair. After consulting various ministers and advisors, the UPA government has announced that it will officially close the matter of 2G scam on Dussehra, which is less than a week away.

“The views expressed by the CAG in their report are not their own,” Union Minister Kapil Sibal explained why the government thought that the matter should be closed.

Prime Minister is reported to have given green signal to the whole proposal

“Recent reports have suggested that initially an internal audit by CAG had put the notional loss in the 2G spectrum allocation case to a muchlower figure, which was overturned by the CAG headquarters,” Sibal explained, “This clearly shows that the CAG report doesn’t reflect the views of the CAG as an institution, much like the 2G note didn’t reflect the views of the government.”

Drawing parallels between the 2G note and the CAG report, Kapil Sibal further said that both the documents were just a “routine” communication between various government agencies, which were misreported widely by the media and misinterpreted by the public.

“Fortunately, under the able guidance of Madam Gandhi, we could close the matter around the 2G note,” he said, “And now is the turn of the CAG report – a matter that will be closed for good on the auspicious day of Dussehra.”

Sibal refused to divulge the details on how the government intends to close the matter, but sources tell Faking News that the process might not take more than 10 minutes, as was the case with closure of the matter arising out the 2G note.

“I think they are going to make a Raavan effigy out of the CAG report on Dussheraand Rahul Gandhi, acting as Lord Rama, will burn down the effigy with a burning arrow made out of the CBI charge-sheet,” Ravindra Chaudhary, an expert visualized the closure of the 2G spectrum allocation scam.

On being asked why he thinks Congress could take help of religious symbols, which almost makes it appear like the BJP, Ravindra said, “Congress has been claiming that they just followed the policy of the BJP government in the 2G spectrum allocation, so I guess they’d do the same even while closing this matter.”

However Congress has rejected such visualizations as figment of imagination of a few people and has blamed the BJP for spreading misinformation.

“All I want to say right now is that there was no scam. There was no loss and no rules were broken,” Kapil Sibal reiterated, “I am happy that the matter will be closed.”

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Exposed: top secret letters exchanged before A Raja resigned

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Lay’s mistakenly fills packets of flavored air with potato chips

Mumbai. Lay’s, the premium producers of packaged flavored air, faced a major crisis today when a production glitch resulted in far more potato chips being put into every pack of air than the “normal” level. Potato chips normally fill around 5% of the packet volume and they are helpful in adding flavor to “packaged air”, which is the flagship product of the company.

The production glitch caused this level to go up to 75%, sending the top management of the company in a tizzy. Before the Quality Control supervisor could detect it, hundreds of thousands of packaged air with “Magic Masala” flavor were already in the market and the news about the production glitch spread like wildfire.

“It was unbelievable!” 15-year-old Ravish Kumar exclaimed as he munched a handful of chips, “I bought the packet, slipped it in my school bag, and waited for my friend to go away before opening it, so that I don’t have to share those 12 chips with him. When I opened the packet I saw that it was full of potato chips! I immediately went back to the shop and bought five packets more, yes, can you believe it? Packets full of chips!”

People couldn’t believe their eyes when dozens of potato chips came falling out as soon as they opened the bulging packets

Ravish claimed that it was the first time when he tried putting more than two wafers in his mouth in one go.

“I would normally put one at a time as I wanted to enjoy each one of those 12 valuable chips. But sometimes I’d put in two, as no one can eat just one. But boy, the human mouth is capable of taking in at least 12 chips in one go, see!” said Ravish as he enthusiastically crushed a bunch of 12 chips with his 32 teeth.

Hundreds others like Ravish too found out about the high amount of chips level in Lay’s flavored air packets and soon every general store was besieged by hordes of customers and chips enthusiasts, forcing police to resort to a mild lathicharge to disperse the crowd.

“Well, yeah, we always knew that they were packets of flavored air, but we bought them for those little chips,” claimed Ankit, a customer with lathi bruises on his left foot and 20 units of “defective” flavored air packets in his hands, “You know, it’s like some people buying eggs only for the egg white.”

Realizing that a high level of chips in a packet meant for flavored air could have adverse impact on consumers’ health, Lay’s has decided to recall all the defective packets of flavored air. The company has also issued a public apology.

“It has always been our goal to provide people with the finest flavored air that is becoming rare due to urban pollution. This is an aberration and we promise that such mistakes will not be repeated again,” Kareena, Public Relations Officer (PRO) of Lay’s told Faking News.

Sources suggest that the production glitch happened when an employee accidentally changed the “Chips in Packet” (CIP) setting from “Commercially Available” to “For Advertisement Only”.

Lay’s PRO dismissed rumors that the top management had beaten up the erring employee because of whom Lay’s profit margins risked being wafer-thin.

“The official position of the company is that we treat our employees well. That particular employee fell down a flight of stairs after he had slipped off on a banana peel in the section where we are coming up with a banana flavored air,” Kareena clarified the “truth” in a press statement.

“There has been a mistake and the company will learn from it, No one will be Lay’d off! We do not give up so easily when the chips are down!” she added.

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Chudails vote India TV as the Best News Channel of 2000’s

Noida. A consortium of supernatural creatures has voted Indian news channel India TV as the best news channel of the last decade. The winner was chosen after thousands of bhoot (ghosts), pishaach (devils), djinn (genies), him-maanav(yetis), taantrik (black-magicians), chudail (vamps), daayan (witches), etc. took part in an occult poll conducted by Faking News. Only Hindi news channels were selected for voting by the consortium in the first round.

“Watching India TV is awesomeness.” said the paataal ka bauna (the dwarf from the underground) as he expressed his deepest delight after the results of the poll were announced, where India TV grossed more than three-fourth of the total valid votes polled. Vampires and other members of the consortium belonging to the Telangana region didn’t participate in the poll to register their protest for the formation of a separate state.

“I am pretty sure our bhoot brethrens from Telangana would have voted no differently.” said the kapde churane wala bhoot (the ghost who stole your clothes), expressing confidence that the results would have been no different either ways. “There is a near unanimity among all of us on the issue of India TV. We all love when they break news.” added the cloth-stealing ghost.

One of the thousands of news stories of India TV that Chudails love to watch again and again

When asked why these allegedly ghoulish creatures loved India TV so much, all the ghosts and witches started laughing devilishly. They laughed continuously for around two hours, pausing thirteen times in between to take commercial breaks, before their leader, the pyaaz maangne wali chudail (the onion loving witch) spoke up.

“We used to love Ramsay Brothers, but those guys stopped producing quality movies and moved to television with Zee Horror Show. But even that show stopped when the world moved into 21^st century. Our TRPs were falling like crazy. And then, the 9/11 attacks happened; the world got besotted with terrorists thereafter. We were like, what-the-fuck, nobody seemed to be terrified of us anymore. Some of the good people like David Icke tried to blame 9/11 on people like us, but no one took them seriously. We were so depressed.” said the onion loving witch, as other members of the consortium nodded in agreement.

The members surprisingly revealed that they were not so upbeat when Rajat Sharma launched the channel in 2004. They thought it was just another news channel for human beings. But their interest level went up when they saw Shakti Kapoor molesting a girl on India TV. Excited at the scenes, the members decided to become patrons of India TV.

“Our loyalty paid off. Soon we were back in news and business.” said the witch, grinning and smiling like SPS Rathore. The members vehemently denied that they had any stake in India TV. “We are poor people; we can’t invest or buy stakes in your modern businesses. But if we had money, we surely would have invested in India TV.” admitted the witch.

All the witches, ghosts, vampires, black-magicians, devils, etc. have wished all the best to India TV for the new year and the new decade.

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People with less than 32 friends on Facebook or Twitter identified as “socially poor”

New Delhi. After Planning Commission’s benchmarks for identifying poor people based on economic criteria drew flak, the government has come up with new set up benchmarks that will identify poor people based on “social” criteria. The government has claimed that critics should hold their horses for now, as the definition of “socially poor” would include those who were left out by Planning Commission as being “economically poor” and help those in need.

“It’s same as ‘economic backwardness’ versus ‘social backwardness’; a mixture of both goes a long way in making policies that are hallmark of a welfare state,” Mukul Wasnik, Minister for Social Justice & Empowerment told Faking News.

However, for the first time in the history of independent India, government has used “social” in a context that doesn’t include considerations exclusively based on one’s caste, religion, tribe, or other ethnic identities. Instead, it’s actually “social” i.e. the way a person’s relationships are made with the rest of the society.

While Munaf Patel comes from a modest family background, he could be declared poor due to his social relationships.

“We are willing to consider even online relationships, as that’s where the word ‘social’ is mostly used these days,” Mr. Wasnik said.

The union minister revealed that under the new set of benchmarks, a person with less than 32 friends on Facebook will be considered for being classified as “socially poor” if each one of his or her friends is having more than 32 friends.

Similarly, someone who is following more than 1000 accounts on Twitter but having less than 32 followers even after publishing at least 5000 public tweets will be considered socially poor.

“Poor status on social networking sites will increase the chances of a person to get the BPL (Below Poverty Line) card, but the final decision will be taken based on his or her status in the real world,” Mr. Wasnik clarified.

The criteria for being socially poor in the real world are quite complex but mostly revolves around quantity and quality of one’s relationships and “contacts”.

For example, a person, who fails to get even a single person to become his or her guarantor for opening a bank account, will be classified as “socially poor”, as it proves utter lack of “quantity” in relationships and contacts in urban India.

“This should cover all those people who are spending more than 32 rupees a day but are still poor for all practical purposes,” the union minister claimed.

When pointed out by Faking News that even Suresh Kalmadi could meet the same fate if he tried to open a new bank account today, the minister refused to comment if Kalmadi could be classified as “poor”. Interestingly, Kalmadi is spending less than 32 rupees right now as he is in Tihar Jail.

Not only Kalmadi, Faking News found out that some of the criteria for identifying “socially poor” were throwing up other errors especially in cases where “quality” of relationships were being considered.

For instance, Indian cricketer Munaf Patel could be declared socially poor as the only relationship he had was with Bobby Darling, while other cricketers in his social circle were having affairs with well-to-do models and Bollywood actresses.

“Even Manmohan Singh and L K Advani are turning out to be poor based on the ‘quality’ of their political relationships,” an expert pointed out the drawbacks in the criteria to identify socially poor people.

“However, Sharad Pawar is rich even here!” the expert added.

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